The Rocky Road

Passive-aggressive -- adj.  being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate).*

Ambivalence -- n.  the simultaneous existence of two opposed and conflicting attitudes, emotions, etc.* 

Perseverance -- n.  steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.*

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There has been so much on my mind lately.  This past month has been full of events that have created quite a stir in my heart and mind. 

Confusion.

Sorrow.
Empathy.
Anger.

Hurt.

Disappointment.
Frustration.

Uplifting, isn't it?!

People all around are me hurting.  There have been unbelievably tragic car accidents, tornados, and illnesses.  Families having to suddenly say goodbye to their loved ones.  Other families desperately trying to add little ones into their fold. 

I see struggles and sorrows.  Pain and uncertainty.  Lives shattered.  Lives on hold.

It is so hard to watch.  I am reading some more books by my favorite authors, Bodie & Brock Thoene.  I just finished Against the Wind last night.  Another amazing story set in England in 1940.  Fantastic book.  But there were parts of it that were so difficult for me to read.  The devastation.  The unfathomable loss.  Reading about children suffering and dying....it physically affected me as I read it.

Children.

Oh, how I want to reach out and save every single one from suffering and dying...all the children that have ever lived!  Oh, if only I could. 

But I can't.

Evil is real and it seeks to devour our children.  I could write about that alone for hours.  And perhaps I will at some point.  For now, I can feel the weight of it's effects.  The hurt.  The sorrow.  The confusion.  I see it in those around me who are mourning and those who are waiting.  I want to make it all better.

But I can't.

And so I have drifted into the world of passive-aggression.  I love God.  I trust God.  I know He knows what's going on.  I know He's got it all under control.  And yet, I have been pulling away from Him.  Blaming Him, almost.  I want to spend time with Him, reading and praying.  I want to feel the joy of praising Him.  And at the same time, I don't want to. 

I so don't want to be here, in ambivalent-land; I don't like it here.  It's like a nightmare-ish amusement park.  I can almost hear the carnival music in the back-ground.

I know it is not up to me to carry the weight of the world.  That is God's job.  But it is not ok for us to keep our blinders on to the suffering around us either.  So where is the balance? 

I am torn between being overwhelmed with it all and trying to ignore it all: ambivalence. 

I want to be bold in following after the Lord and yet, due to my ambivalence, I avoid Him: passive-aggression.

Not surprisingly, the more I avoid Him, the more ambivalent I get.

What an awful little merry-go-round I am on.

All in all, I know that the process of following God and growing closer to Him is a complicated one at best.  It is a road full of struggles and uncertainties, situations that require faith.  As the song by NewWorldSon says:

There’s a road, it’s a rocky road
Lined with sticks and stones
It’s a road where the thistle grows
And the freeway never goes
But even though this road is long
Everybody’s welcome on this rocky road

We’re all doing the best we can
We hurt from head to toe
And we fall short of Heaven’s plan
We stumble as we go
But even though we’ve all done wrong
Everybody’s welcome on this rocky road

I am stumbling alot lately.  But I know God will pick me up, dust me off, and set me back on solid ground each and every time.  It is the knowledge that Jesus is with me, even in the midst of my merry-go-round, that gives me strength and the ability to persevere. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." ~ Isaiah 43:2

This is a rocky road.  At times it is down-right painful.  But I don't want off of it...I know where it leads.  And when I get there, He will be there to heal my heart-aches and wipe my tears.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ~ Revelation 21:4

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." ~ Psalm 147:3

In the meantime, I pray for His help in navigating this road and I keep walking: perseverance.

*Dictionary.com

Trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."   ~Proverbs 3:5

Ever since I became a Christian, this has been my "go-to" verse.  No matter what circumstance I was facing, I would turn to this verse to help me through. 

Loneliness as a single mom.
Stress beyond belief while working full time, caring for my infant son and being the care-giver for my brother as he went through chemo and radiation treatments.
Exhaustion when my boys were babies.
Pouring myself into a new ministry at church.
Devastation while I walked by my dear friend as she navigated the new world of widow-hood.
Heart-broken over the struggles of my friends and family.
Trying to make the best parenting decisions.
Navigating the wonderful and complicated world of marriage.

Changes.
Failures.
Successes.
Unexpected doors opening.
Others closing suddenly.
Miscommunications.
Blessings.
Consequences.
Losses.
Joys.
Struggles.

No matter the situation, I go to this verse.  I quote it.  I send others to it.  I have it on a picture in my room and on a 3X5 card on my kitchen cabinet.

I love this verse.

Until recently, however, I have never felt tested on it.  I would recite it and read it, meditate on it and pray it.  And it always brought me a sense of peace...sometimes large, sometimes small.  It was my reassuring verse.  It told me that even when I can only see a small piece of the big picture, He sees it all...beginning and end. 

But now, it is more of a challenge.  I am faced with circumstances that I do not understand at all, not even a little bit.  Even the small piece of the big picture is blurry and confusing.  The more I try to understand it and make sense of it, the more confused I get.  I seek Him and think I know His answer, only to have a door shut in my face.  Am I hearing His voice, or am I pursuing my own agenda?  I thought I was following Him.  I was trying to walk with Him.  Now, I don't know.  I am just one big ball of emotional confusion!

So now when this verse comes to mind, it challenges me.  Am I still going to trust God with all my heart when I am in the midst of chaos and confusion?  When things are not going the way I thought they would, do I still have complete faith that He is at work?  Do I fully trust God's plan when I cannot understand what's going on?

I can't lean on my own understanding right now because I don't understand anything! 

Maybe that is the lesson in it all.  Maybe I have been relying too much on my own understanding of things.  Maybe this is all to show me how to trust in the LORD with all my heart when I have not even an ounce of understanding. 

I am finding that to be a very difficult task indeed.

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer.” ~Corrie ten Boom

LORD, help me to be still and know that you are God.

Psalm 46:10