Trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."   ~Proverbs 3:5

Ever since I became a Christian, this has been my "go-to" verse.  No matter what circumstance I was facing, I would turn to this verse to help me through. 

Loneliness as a single mom.
Stress beyond belief while working full time, caring for my infant son and being the care-giver for my brother as he went through chemo and radiation treatments.
Exhaustion when my boys were babies.
Pouring myself into a new ministry at church.
Devastation while I walked by my dear friend as she navigated the new world of widow-hood.
Heart-broken over the struggles of my friends and family.
Trying to make the best parenting decisions.
Navigating the wonderful and complicated world of marriage.

Changes.
Failures.
Successes.
Unexpected doors opening.
Others closing suddenly.
Miscommunications.
Blessings.
Consequences.
Losses.
Joys.
Struggles.

No matter the situation, I go to this verse.  I quote it.  I send others to it.  I have it on a picture in my room and on a 3X5 card on my kitchen cabinet.

I love this verse.

Until recently, however, I have never felt tested on it.  I would recite it and read it, meditate on it and pray it.  And it always brought me a sense of peace...sometimes large, sometimes small.  It was my reassuring verse.  It told me that even when I can only see a small piece of the big picture, He sees it all...beginning and end. 

But now, it is more of a challenge.  I am faced with circumstances that I do not understand at all, not even a little bit.  Even the small piece of the big picture is blurry and confusing.  The more I try to understand it and make sense of it, the more confused I get.  I seek Him and think I know His answer, only to have a door shut in my face.  Am I hearing His voice, or am I pursuing my own agenda?  I thought I was following Him.  I was trying to walk with Him.  Now, I don't know.  I am just one big ball of emotional confusion!

So now when this verse comes to mind, it challenges me.  Am I still going to trust God with all my heart when I am in the midst of chaos and confusion?  When things are not going the way I thought they would, do I still have complete faith that He is at work?  Do I fully trust God's plan when I cannot understand what's going on?

I can't lean on my own understanding right now because I don't understand anything! 

Maybe that is the lesson in it all.  Maybe I have been relying too much on my own understanding of things.  Maybe this is all to show me how to trust in the LORD with all my heart when I have not even an ounce of understanding. 

I am finding that to be a very difficult task indeed.

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer.” ~Corrie ten Boom

LORD, help me to be still and know that you are God.

Psalm 46:10

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

Life seems to have expoded these last two weeks.  So many things around me are changing.  Dear sister-friends are moving far away.  My "circle" is changing dynamics.  God is moving and shaking our lives in many ways. 

It is exciting.
And it is terrifying.

You see, the future I thought was before me has changed considerably, unexpectedly.  I trust God's plan...I do.  But I mourn the future I thought I was going to have.  I am intrigued by new prospects, and deeply saddened at the thought of saying goodbye to what has become so much a part of who I am.

I have taken these last two weeks off from writing anything for various reasons.  My emotions are so jumbled right now...My entire house has been horribly sick...My mental capacity has been greatly diminished.  All in all, I just haven't felt clear about much of anything. 

So much change.
So much still up in the air.

My heart still aches for those sweet children around the world who just want to be loved.  My heart still aches for the children here in America who are abused and neglected.  My heart still aches for the little ones who are fighting for their lives, battling cancers and other life-threatening illnesses.  My heart still aches for the babies who are never given a chance at life.  My heart still aches for the believers around the world who are tortured and harassed and killed because of their faith in Jesus Christ.  My heart still aches for those who do not know Him and His love.  My heart still aches.

And I am still trying to figure out how I can make a difference.  Don't get me wrong; I am fully committed to teaching and caring for my children.  I feel that is certainly what God wants me to be doing...using my life to raise Godly men to send off into this world so that they can make a difference.  We are in training mode, I am the teacher/trainer and this is absolutely a noble call. 

But, how do I teach my boys to live boldly for the Lord when our daily lives are filled with meeting our own needs and living in such comfort?  How do we live out our faith in a way that really changes something and someone?  If my goal is to raise men who will be bold and strong in Jesus Christ, who will serve Him whole-heartedly, who will affect those around them, then what should I be doing now that teaches them how to do that?  I can read them great stories about amazing servants and missionaries every day, but is that enough? 

Children do retain what they hear.  But what they see and live is what shapes who they are and will become.

These are all the things I have had swirling around in my mind and heart lately.   

Heavy questions.  
Heavy emotions.

As God is completely shaking my world around me--taking treasured things away, giving me new and exciting paths to pursue--I am trying to sort out what it all means in our daily lives.  What steps of obedience do we need to be taking?  When do we need to be still?  When do we need to step out of our "comfort-zone"? 

And to top it all off, with each step of obedience, the enemy is there, attacking us on all sides...trying to distract us and discourage us from living boldly for the Lord.  The enemy does not want us to change our comfortable, ineffective lives.

God is truly moving.  In BIG ways.  In many lives.  All around us.

As my world is changing considerably, I strive to cling to the One who never changes.  

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."
Psalm 143:8-10

Renewal

Day to day, my world stays pretty much the same:   

Wake up.
Drink LARGE cup of coffee.

Check emails.

Make breakfast.

Clean-up.

                                Educate my children.

                                Make lunch.

                                Clean-up.

Laundry.

A little quiet-time for everyone.

More educating.                                                   

                          More cleaning.

                          Make dinner.
                          Read out loud to kids.
                          Clean-up.

Bed-time routine.
Tuck kids in.

                            Watch a little tv.

                            Hang out with hubby.





Read my book.
Go to sleep.




Repeat.

Of course, there are the days we have piano lessons, Community Bible Study, homeschool co-op group, Mom's Night Out, church, grocery shopping, library trips, doctors and dentist appointments and other unplanned interruptions.  But for the most part, that is what my days have looked like for the past few years.  And I am pretty sure that is what my days will continue to look like for quite some time. 

And I LOVE it.  I truly wouldn't trade it for anything.  I enjoy the routine we have settled into. I love my life.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love where God has put me.

Sometimes I just sit back and think about where I was 10 years ago, and where I am now.  From uncertainty, confusion, loneliness, depression, and self-centeredness to faith, purpose, love, contentment, joy and service.  God is truly amazing!  And yet, He is so far from being done with me....thankfully.

I am going through another growth-spurt right now.  Do you remember how much growing-pains hurt?  I often have to massage my kids' legs when they are having growing pains.  I will sit next to them on their bed, rub their legs, tell them that there is a good reason for the aches, and pray that God would relieve the pain soon.  They eventually drift off to sleep and are better in the morning.

I am waiting for the morning. 

God is working in me.  He is doing something big in my heart and soul.  It is fantastic.  And it is painful. 

He is reviving my passion for Him, returning me to that first love spoken of in Revelation 2.  God commends the church at Ephesus:

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false.  You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.   Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."

I want to be a light in this world.  I want God's light to shine through me.  Jesus tells us that we are the light of this world:

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."  Matthew 5:14-16

How many times have we as believers read that portion of scripture and taken it to mean we need to lead good lives, free of profanity and excess alcohol, full of smiles and helping little old ladies across the street?  I know I have.  Let your light shine.  Almost makes me want to break out in song... "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..."

But, let's take a minute to view that scripture in light of the Revelation passage.  Here God acknowledges the good deeds you do, but says they are worthless without an all-consuming passion for Him.  He actually says that He will "remove the lampstand from its place."  If our hearts are not overwhelmed with love for Him, He will remove the light!  Ouch!

Do you remember when you first accepted Jesus Christ as your Saviour?  Do you remember how full of passion and love you were?  How much you wanted to shout to the world and tell everyone about His amazing love and forgiveness?  You actually spent a good deal of time reading His Word and praising Him?  Prayer time was not an obligation, but something you looked forward to?

How long has it been since you felt that way?  Life got in the way.  Schedules got busy.  Kids got sick.  Laundry piled up.  Traffic happened.  People made you angry.  Sleep eluded you.  TV shows got you hooked.  That third glass of wine called your name. 

Little by little, you abandoned that first love...you became lukewarm.

God makes it very clear how he feels about that.

"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."  Revelation 3:16

That is where I have been residing for quite some time.  In the comfortable, cozy lukewarm-ness.  It is safe here.  It is not too challenging.  Here there is no fear of rejection from those around me.  Here there is no urgency to spread God's Word.  Here there is no sorrow over the millions of people who are mistreated, abandoned, starving and on death's doorstep.  Here I can happily pick out new window coverings and get regular pedicures.  In this lukewarm-ness, I don't have to stress myself out with the worries of the others.  Here I can go to church, do all the right things, but never have my heart involved.

Thankfully, He doesn't leave us there with no escape.  

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."  Revelation 3:20

I recently opened that door.  Thus the growing pains.  He is pulling me out of this lukewarm state and setting me on fire again.  And in the process, I am finding my heart is so full of love and sorrow.  Love for Him and His creation.  Sorrow at how we treat Him and His creation.  Those two emotions together are so overwhelming. 

I know this process is necessary.  I know this is growing me spiritually, emotionally, personally.  I am still praying that God would relieve the pain soon, but I wouldn't opt out of this experience for anything in this world.  I feel the fire.  I feel the love.  I feel the passion.  They are building in me day by day.  And I pray that I am never the same.

We know that God makes all things new.  I am learning that this is not a one time deal.  He continues to renew us time and again.  Little by little, growth-spurt after growth-spurt, we are becoming more like Him. 

And I am oh so grateful.

So, while my day-to-day routine hasn't changed for quite some time, I am completely different. 

I know that morning will come.  I also know that there will be other nights.  But if I have learned anything, I have learned that our God is faithful and He will bring me yet another new and glorious morning.

Above all, I know that God is drawing me nearer to Him. 

That makes all the growing pains worth it.

Aching Faith

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with emotion that you feel like you just might burst?  Part of you wants to scream at the top of your lungs and the other part wants to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over your head.  You literally physically ache all over. 

Lately, I am there more often than I am not.

The emotions.  The longing.  The impatience.  They are so hard to handle each day.  But, in a way, it is this experience, these difficult emotions that have brought me so close to God.  I feel Him.  I hear Him.  I see His hands working all around me.  Would I have been able to experience God in this way without experiencing the difficulty?  Probably not.

I find myself turning to the book of Psalms often.  In the past, this book just confused me; David at times seems so bi-polar.  Such as in Psalm 88 where he says, "But I cry to you for help, O LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.  Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?"  Then the very next Psalm begins with: "I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."  The entire books seems to be a roller-coaster-ride of emotions, of doubt and praise. 

I get it now.

God continues to show me His unfailing love and faithfulness everywhere--through songs and people and sermons and things I read--even while I am in the midst of the fire.  While it feels like I am not getting an answer to my pleas, He is showing me His love and comfort. 

My heart still aches. 

I am still overwhelmed. 

But I know He is here with me, holding me, working things out in ways I cannot yet see. 

I am confident that He has great plans for me.  And yet, I still cry out to Him.

Never before have the Psalms struck such a chord in me.  I am understanding now that David was not bi-polar.  He was human.   

And so today, I will leave you with a verse that sums up where I am...full of praise and trust in God, even as I cry out to Him with every aching fiber of my being:

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
  your love, O Lord, endures forever --
 do not abandon the works of your hands." 
    ~Psalm 138:8

Sign here, please.

I want.  Please give it to me...soon.
I want.  Please make it happen...right now.
I want.  Can you show me that you are working on this?

That is what I tell God.  "I trust you will do what I want, right away."

"Yes, but....I have something more for you."

Grrr.  I really do want to be in His will.  I really do want what He wants for my life.  But I have found I have something in common with Corrie ten Boom.  In her book "Tramp for the Lord" she talks about how she had a tendency to lay out all the plans and then ask for God's endorsement.  She learned that it was much better to have Him draft up the plans and her just sign on the dotted line.

I still struggle with that.  If what I want is a worthy, good thing that is in line with His Word...why can't I have it....now?  Wow.  How impatient am I?!

He has clearly shown me this week that His answer is not necessarily no...He just has other things He is working out first.  So I sit.  And wait.  And trust.  And watch Him do things in the process that I never imagined could be done. 

While I am waiting, He is working.

He is teaching me right now.  Teaching me that He doesn't hold out on you just to show you He can.  He is working.  He is orchestrating.  He is refining you.  He is using your experience to touch others.  He is putting all the pieces in place.  He is removing your notion that you have the ability to do it all on your own.  He is giving you time to realize that He has the power to work the miracles, not you.  He wants to bless you.

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"  Isaiah 30:18

Blessed are all who wait for him.  Blessed.

I must admit, it doesn't feel like a blessing to wait.  But maybe my waiting is blessing others.  And maybe someday I will look back at my time of waiting and be able to see the full picture of the blessing in my own life as well.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

God helps us through our struggles so that we may help others.  These two verses speak of God as being a God of compassion.  Dictionary.com defines compassion as "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering."  God does not desire for us to stay in the difficulty.  He works to alleviate the suffering.  He sends others who understand to help us, so that the waiting will be bearable.

How thankful I am of dear friends who understand!  I can never fully express how much they help!  And I hope that I can be that help to others as well. 

I have been finding so many amazing scriptures of comfort and hope and encouragement.  Scriptures that show me how amazing and powerful God is.  It is not through my strength, my wit, my wisdom, my abilities that anything happens.  It is all God.  I pray that the process, the journey, the waiting, and whatever comes of it all, will glorify Him.  And that at some point, I might get better at this waiting thing and learn to let Him draft up the plans for me to sign on the dotted line!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory...for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

Psalm 130

OUT of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD;
Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive To the voice of my supplications.

If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord More than those who watch for the morning—
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is mercy, And with Him is abundant redemption.
And He shall redeem Israel From all his iniquities.

Waiting

I LOVE seeing God's miraculous timing in other people's lives.  There are so many miracles happening every day.  So many testimonies of His faithfulness and His perfect timing. 

I have even experienced it in my own life.

So why is it so hard to wait on His timing with each new situation?

I have read amazing testimonies such as this wonderful story, For the Love of Vera.  And this one, Announcing Peter's Family.   After reading these, how can anyone deny the awesome beauty of God's divine plan?!

And yet, when you are the one waiting on an answer, the days and hours are so painfully and silently long.

Yet, I am reminded over and over again:  If we let Him, He will orchestrate such incredible beauty in our lives in such a way that we will be left speechless.  His plan and His timing are so much more amazing than we can ever even dream of!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD. 
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts." 
                                               Isaiah 55:8-9

God's Hand

I was thinking today about how God uses us, even when we don't realize it.  I am repeatedly amazed at God's visible Hand in my life when I obey him.  I recently finished the book "Something More" by Catherine Marshall.  She ends chapter 5, which is entitled "The Joy of Obedience", with this statement:  "Always and always the understanding comes after the obedience."

How true is that?!  How often in our lives are we confused and flustered over something we don't really understand, but that we have to do, for one reason or another?  But once we do it, and look back on it, it suddenly all makes sense.  Trials are no fun, that's for sure.  We must remember, however, that God is refining us.  We must trust His guidance.

And what about those times when you think you should do something, but you aren't sure if it is from God or not.  I'm sure many of you have gotten this forwarded email story called "Buy the Milk", author unknown.  It is a beautiful story, worth reading again:

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had spoken about "listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice."
The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?" After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray,"God, if you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."
As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply, so he started on toward home. But again, the thought came to him... buy a gallon of milk.
The young man thought about Samuel, and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. So, he stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started toward home.
As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn down that street." This is crazy, he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will".
He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi-commercial area of town. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark, like people were already in bed.
Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid."
Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door and said, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but, if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?"
Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep.
The man asked, "What is it?"
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk and said, "Here, I brought this to you," he said.
The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway speaking loudly in Spanish. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.
The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk."
His wife in the kitchen yelled out,"I ask him to send an angel with some. Are you an Angel?"
The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put it in the man's hand. Then he turned and walked back toward his car and tears were streaming down his face. He knew then that God does still speak to people... and answer prayers.

This story chokes me up every time I read it.  But I know what you are thinking.  It's just a fictional story someone made up to solicit an emotional response from people, right?  Probably.  But I know for sure that God does use us to bless other people.  I have seen it in my own life.  A friend of mine has often told me that my obedience in helping to start a MOPS group saved her from complete insanity when her children were little.  I didn't really want to start the group.  But God told me to and I obeyed.  Through that many, many very close friendships were formed...friendships that truly were the "sane" force for us young moms.

I experienced this once again just this week.  Through this blog, in fact.  Prior to a few months ago, I had never even heard of Reece's Rainbow.  I came across them by accident, it would seem (I now know otherwise)...all because of a forwarded post on Facebook.  I was touched and blessed in tremendous ways through another blogger's obedience to God's call.  She inspired me to start my own blog...to do something to help these children who deserve loving homes, not institutions.  And after months of thinking about these children non-stop and praying about it, I did something.  I started this blog in an effort to help these children.  Little did I know that my obedience would in-turn touch someone else. 

A friend of mine from college contacted me yesterday after she read my blog.  It seems her family is planning to adopt and they have been considering Reece's Rainbow.  I know this doesn't seem like much...but, to me it was a lot.  A connection.  A note from God saying, "Yes.  You are on the right path."  That's what I got from it.  I had no idea that someone I knew was praying about that decision.  Maybe that was a nudge from God for her as well, I don't know.  What I do know is that when we obey God, His blessings are poured out on many.

Take a minute to check out the blog that got it all started in my heart, A Perfect Lily.  I promise you will be touched beyond measure.  Not only does she have an amazing heart for God and these precious orhpans, but she is putting that into action in a MIGHTY way.  She regularly has amazing give-aways.  All you have to do is donate, post on Facebook or on your blog and let her know.  Then you will be entered to win one of many prizes.  Through give-aways like the current one and people just walking in obedience, she has already helped to raise tens of thousands of dollars for three little ones.  And on top of that, we have seen two of these precious children get homes and a family is inquiring about the third! 

They are just waiting on all the formal paperwork and such to be done, and then they get to leave the orphanage forever!  And all of this happened, because of one woman's obedience to God's nudgings....and in turn, many more people's obedience to spread the word and/or donate money.  God is GOOD!!! 

Don't ignore God's nudgings.  Does reading about this make you feel something?  Does your heart break when you watch the Today Show clip?  Then do something.  Post this link on Facebook.  Who knows, maybe one of your friends is waiting for this nudging from God.  Or maybe a friend of a friend. 

Maybe through the continual forwarding and reposting, sweet Danila will find her family. 

What if YOU are a vital piece of that chain? 

It doesn't take much to get the word out.  Don't just let your feelings end with you. 

C.S. Lewis, speaking of man, says it so wonderfully in "The Screwtape Letters": 

"The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able ever to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel..."

Do you long to see God's Hand in your life?  Do your part and then sit back and watch Him work.  I promise, you will be blown away!

"Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."  James 2:17