Trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."   ~Proverbs 3:5

Ever since I became a Christian, this has been my "go-to" verse.  No matter what circumstance I was facing, I would turn to this verse to help me through. 

Loneliness as a single mom.
Stress beyond belief while working full time, caring for my infant son and being the care-giver for my brother as he went through chemo and radiation treatments.
Exhaustion when my boys were babies.
Pouring myself into a new ministry at church.
Devastation while I walked by my dear friend as she navigated the new world of widow-hood.
Heart-broken over the struggles of my friends and family.
Trying to make the best parenting decisions.
Navigating the wonderful and complicated world of marriage.

Changes.
Failures.
Successes.
Unexpected doors opening.
Others closing suddenly.
Miscommunications.
Blessings.
Consequences.
Losses.
Joys.
Struggles.

No matter the situation, I go to this verse.  I quote it.  I send others to it.  I have it on a picture in my room and on a 3X5 card on my kitchen cabinet.

I love this verse.

Until recently, however, I have never felt tested on it.  I would recite it and read it, meditate on it and pray it.  And it always brought me a sense of peace...sometimes large, sometimes small.  It was my reassuring verse.  It told me that even when I can only see a small piece of the big picture, He sees it all...beginning and end. 

But now, it is more of a challenge.  I am faced with circumstances that I do not understand at all, not even a little bit.  Even the small piece of the big picture is blurry and confusing.  The more I try to understand it and make sense of it, the more confused I get.  I seek Him and think I know His answer, only to have a door shut in my face.  Am I hearing His voice, or am I pursuing my own agenda?  I thought I was following Him.  I was trying to walk with Him.  Now, I don't know.  I am just one big ball of emotional confusion!

So now when this verse comes to mind, it challenges me.  Am I still going to trust God with all my heart when I am in the midst of chaos and confusion?  When things are not going the way I thought they would, do I still have complete faith that He is at work?  Do I fully trust God's plan when I cannot understand what's going on?

I can't lean on my own understanding right now because I don't understand anything! 

Maybe that is the lesson in it all.  Maybe I have been relying too much on my own understanding of things.  Maybe this is all to show me how to trust in the LORD with all my heart when I have not even an ounce of understanding. 

I am finding that to be a very difficult task indeed.

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer.” ~Corrie ten Boom

LORD, help me to be still and know that you are God.

Psalm 46:10